The Hardest Part

I found you when I least expected it and I count down the days until we are together.  I often worry about what our future holds.  You reassure me time and time again that we are "good".  I want to believe you but i still find that I'm afraid to open up and show the true me. I'm learning to trust again and it's thanks to you.

I used to say the hardest part of us is when I would have to walk away and know you can't follow me.  Knowing that I have to drive home alone and cherish the short time I was able to hold you in my arms. Knowing that the moment I walk away you will be out of site and it will be a while before I see your face again.  The realization that this is what I chose and it will be almost a lifetime until I can have you the way I want (it really feels like a lifetime).  Finding that the closest I will get to seeing you everyday is a couple of pictures.  Not to mention the 20 minute calls that I get where I have to try and fit all my love and the goings on of my day into as well as you fitting the same.  Like I said that used to be the hardest part.

Now the hardest part is waking up each morning and have an emptiness in me that I can't describe.  I long to have you with me and suffer every day because I can't.  I go about my day and try to survive....smiling in every one's face knowing inside I'm hurting. There are nights that I cry myself to sleep because I miss you so much.  Then there are the night I lay awake needing your arms around me just so I know I am safe and loved.  I never thought that it would be this hard to love someone. 

I don't regret my choice and would not change it for the world.  I realize now almost 202 days until we are where we want and need to be that I would not have it any other way.

Simply put.....the hardest part of us is not having you here.

Eine Liebe